The Longest Mile...

Hey, welcome back!  

Thanks for all your comments, stalkers, and the reminder of Chocolate Cake!

I often joke to folks that I am just a city girl forced to assimilate to mountain life.  I am a city girl, born and bred!  I am accustomed to the bright lights, loud noises, coffee on every corner, lots of different people, and the ability to make friends. I love sparkly things!  I love dressing up and putting makeup on!  I love being with other people! I love going to the mall!

Ok, ok, hold up here---I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let me re-start this, and say that I now live in a town that I like to call...

GRANOLA-VILLE.

I shit you not.  Organic.  Hippy. Women who don't diaper their babies. Women who dress their babies in old rice sacks in protest of global warming.  Women who don't (eeks!) shave their armpits.  People who don't use deodorant.  Dreadlocks! Mountain-men with full packs! Vegan newspapers. The shiniest things I've seen to date have been metal pot pipes. No Mall (oh wait, there is one mall, with a Walmart...that is about the size of a strip mall in a fairly larger city).  People who think a good time is sweating with each other in a hut while they bang on drums by the light of a full moon.

This makes me think of a few things.

First, I want to gather all these people into a big group and lead them to a McDonalds and force feed them Big Macs.  I mean the biggest, greasiest, most un-organic fake burgers I can find under the Golden Arches. That should snap them back into the light, yes?  One would think.  But, there are other things that need to be taken care of first.  

Second, I don't know about you, but watching a infant piss and shit all over their mothers in a public place is not my idea of a groovy time.  I know, I know...diapers clog the environment, blah blah blah.  I get it.  Everytime I toss a styrofoam cup into the lake, I am reminded of the harm it does to our natural resources (just kidding, I keep it out of the lake, and just leave it over to the side...) but for Christ's sweet sake, put SOMETHING on the kid!  A dish towel or a A&W napkin!  Anything!


So the purpose of this rant?  


One day, I was extremely pissed off at having to walk up that God forsaken hill to get home.  It was hot, I was tired, and I had found some junk food to nosh on downtown for lunch---my tummy wasn't 'right'.  So, I concocted a solution for all of my piss-off.  I decided that I was going to write a book entitled: "Why Fat Girls Shouldn't Climb Mountains", and on the cover of the book would be a picture of me, struggling to inch up the steep mountainous hill, with 3 absolutely stunning cheerleaders about 10 feet ahead of me holding a DELICIOUS chocolate cake, luring me up the hill. 

As I was sitting on the side of the road taking a break, trying to catch my breath and smoking a cigarette (lol), trying to form the Forward and table of contents of this book in my head...I felt the all-to-familiar feeling of having to take a REALLY big dump.  You know that feeling, after you eat a big greasy meal and you know you have approximately 4.3 seconds to get your fat ass to the washroom before you shit yourself?  Yeah, that was me.  In the middle of the forest.  About an our or so away from a proper toilet.  What's a girl to do?


I was wearing a beautiful blue sarong with shorts underneath...and a white tank top, that I lovingly call a 'wife beater'.  I ended up not being able to wait and had to go right on the path that lead up the hill...off to the side...it was absolutely DISGUSTING!!  I was crying, and humiliated...and then I had a monumental problem facing me---WHAT TO WIPE WITH?? 

Well.


I took off the shirt, and used that...then took the sarong and tied it over my chest and INSTANT CHIC!  I was stylin'!  All I needed were my hoopy earrings and my kitten heels and I would have been good to go into any moderately priced hotel lounge or mid-range tavern!


The moral to this story is simple.  I mooned Granola-ville in broad daylight and shat on it's moral, oranic way of life! And ended up looking good doing it! (yes, I threw out the tank top! lol) Take THAT!